That's So Miami

That's So Miami
The critics snark
With an emphasis on "so"
As if we don't get their remark
Oh, we get it, our "Miami" way
Contradictory, tardy, and 
What rhymes with way?

My confused Cuban/Puerto Rican husband turned me on to the annual O, Miami poetry contest which asks budding poets to opine in 100 words or less using the phrase "That's So Miami." Well, as you can see from my quick ditty I am no poet but occasional blogger. So here are my latest musings on the City Beautiful.

While the wonderful Ultra Festival was in full "Good Golly Miss Molly" mode in downtown Miami, sedate and tranquil Coral Gables was hosting the lovely lesbian icon Rachael Maddow reading from her new book "Drift!" which is not about boat lifts or cruise ships running aground but the high cost of wars. Being lucky enough to see Rachael and Ultra converge made a That's so Miami moment.

Fifty people line up to assure a seat in the auditorium four hours early to see Rachael (note, everyone calls her by her first name but they scream it, like RACHAEL!). Said people have the same stylist; gray hair, flannel shirts, Doc Martens, peace signs, and carry Asian daughters. Oh and they are all women.

Fifty college students walk by in droves, bound for the technitronics of Ultra. They too have the same stylist. Neon hair and furry string bikinis, pig tails and white go-go boots, water bottles and lolly pops.

Rachael. Ultra. Rachael. Ultra. "What's wrong with those girls?" the flannels say. "They look ridiculous." The neons lean in. "Who dresses like that anymore, I mean, like, Kurt Cobain is so vintage."

Was this clash of the "women" and "girls" a new kind of female empowerment? Nope, that's so Miami.

And speaking of women, uber Cuban blogger Yoani Sanchez breezed into town on her world tour, which surely will be her last from that Communist wasteland. "The Housewives of Miami" surely clamored to her make over to be a "real" woman of the Miami Millennium but simple Yoani was perfectly comfortable in her long, untamed, uncolored, unKeratined hair, her hippie clothes and not a trace of Botox let alone lipstick graced her face.

Speaking to the upper crust of Cuban society, she expounded their sameness, their likeness, their love for la Isla and oh by the way, the embargo was the dumbest idea you all have ever had and could you please put a stop to it so abuela can have some pan, por favor?

Well, Yoani never did get an answer to that question but when she is the publisher of the Havana outpost of the NY Times I am sure we will hear something about it.

Oh Yoani are you the Savior and the Mona Lisa rolled into one? Or are you the Mata Hari of the Malecon, sent to spy, to pry to cajole and lie? Only that's so Miami knows.

And finally those cool kids Jay Z and Beyonce celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary not with traditional gifts--wood--but with a fun filled trip to Havana! Because coming to Miami with its beaches and beauty, its amazing food and diverse population is too dull for these two. Nope, they would rather take their mothers with them on a journey of yesteryear, and by yesteryear I mean old food, towels, sheets and telephones, peeling paint and cracked walls. Listen kids, if you wanted arroz con frijoles that has actual beans in it you can get a big plate at La Carreta for about $5 and it comes with a clean knife and fork.

I also noticed that those two kids tried to be so authentic and wear what appear to be costumes so they can be more Havana-esque. Too bad no one told them the 1950s era, Godfather II outfits they have on are no longer En Vogue. Turbans and a Panama hat? Honey, Carmen Miranda and Ricky Ricardo have been dead a long time.

Oh Jay Z (not his real name), Beyonce and Baby Blue Ivy (that is hers). Miami not cool enough for your special day? That's ok we've  got plenty of other posers here. I mean, that's so Miami.