T/SP

This past weekend I visited one my long-time friends in Tampa/St. Pete. This area apparently is suffering from a complex because when you ask where someone is from, they have to answer with both cities. And Orlando is gross to them because it is "down there." Like a woman's nether region.

So T/SP is home to many people from other places. These places have foreign names like "Queens," "Brooklyn," and "Long Island." When I say my husband is Cuban/Puerto Rican, I get looks like he smells of garlic and plays maracas. Hmmm. These displaced New Yorkers have no idea that to a native Floridian like me, they are our of their element like an Eskimo in Guatemala.

People in T/SP are very tan and fit. Men's Health recently named T/SP the most fit city in the country. This was a big point of pride until I pointed out the correlation to T/SP having one of the largest gay pride parades in the country. Hmmm.

T/SP has many mom and pop hotels lining its Gulf beaches. These hotels have names like the Thunderbird and Ocean Breeze. Each beach front has a "tiki bar," which is really a Polynesian invention. All the tiki huts serve drinks that are  based on three elements: sugar, sugary juice, exactly one teaspoon of sugary alcohol. They looked like milkshakes. I did not have one.

Going out to a T/SP beach bar is fun. No matter how little effort you make in getting dressed, you will be overdressed at Ricky T's bar. I think most people there came from washing cars, chumming fish or checking out at Publix. The effects of tanning over a lifetime are evident here. I saw one woman who would make an incredible purse. While dancing a guy came up to me and put his arm around my waist and tried the boob grab. I said "Listen man, if I was going to cheat on my husband of 22 years it would not be with a guy with six teeth in his head and missing digits."

I would highly recommend anyone visit T/SP who is is looking for a sugary tropical drink, served by a overly tan hot gay guy from Long Island who likes to dance to Southern Rock. Or to visit one of your dearest friends in the world.