Second Time Around

I want to get married again.

My dress will be completely ivory lace and will have small cap sleeved shoulders and will be fit and flare. I have watched hours of "Say Yes to the Dress" so I know this is the perfect style for my second ceremony.

My ceremony will be intimate, just 700 or so of my closest friends. It will not take place on a fall football weekend. My colors will be crimson and cream, naturally. I will walk down the arm of my dear friend King Henry the 8th Part Deux. Once we reach the altar, he will serenade my groom and me with "Muskrat Love." The ceremony will be conducted by two officiants named Al. Big Al and Al Sharpton.

My vows will be a mix of Old English and Modern English. "I stoppeth the world and melteth with you." The Als will pronounce us wife and husband. We will walk back up the aisle to flashbulbs from People and Hola Magazine, as well as Garden and Gun.

Our reception will be catered by only the best. Dreamland BBQ, caviar, and red velvet cake. Music will be provided by Tony Bennett, The Rolling Stones, and the Alabama Shakes with free style kazoo playing while they are on breaks.

Many, many people will toast the groom and me, starting with drag queens, animal rights activists, moonshiners and the Mayor. The toasts will have a time limit of three minutes each and if the time limit is exceeded, then the floor will drop out from where they are standing and roll them down to the incinerator a la Veruca Salt.

After much toasting, dancing, drumming, slumming and such, the groom and I will depart in our bicycle built for two.

There is just one small problem. No groom.

I had a great idea for a groom and asked my Confused Cuban/Puerto Rican husband if he would marry me again and he said no. The first, second, third and fourth time I asked.

Oh don't worry I will get my second ceremony. Unofficial of course. After I start my website "lookingforjustaceremony.com." That way I can stay married to my husband but have the ceremony, too.

Wanted: Twenty something cutie for a free night of fun, merriment, and devotion. Must speak Alabama  and be proficient in Broadway show tunes. Tuxedo and ring props provided. Resemblance to Matthew McConaughey preferred.